Hilltoppers-AFG Online Meeting

bobc · Site Admin

Beth:

Welcome to the board. I used to live in West Texas, I understand the sense of isolation. We have others who use this meeting who are from remote areas. You are welcome to use this meeting as much as you need.

Your concerns are not uncommon. Your friend's assessment may have some merit, also. It is often true: others see the more obvious about our behavior better than we do. There are a couple of things you might consider as you become familiar with Al-Anon:

resources section

forum reprints

Take care, and "...keep coming back..."
Cool

Sister Anne

Testing, one two three...

Let me lurk a few days to figure out how this bulletin board works.

From my user name, you can assume that I have a sister who is an drinker/addict. I live halfway across the world from her (in Greece), but am still feeling the horrible affects of her -- what does one call it? problems?

And I need to learn how to cope with this.

Sister Annie Rolling Eyes

bobc · Site Admin

Anne:

Welcome to the board, we're glad to have you. Obviously, you've figured out how to get a message posted. There is a general overview of the process, as well as a detailed outline of the bulletinboard for your convenience. Also, there are other online Al-Anon resources available. You might enjoy the Al-Anon Forum Reprints.

I think the important concept for newcomers is that the program is not about making the "other person" stop drinking, but about what we do with ourselves that doesn't compound the problem. Keeping this in mind lays the foundation for the first step (or vice versa): that we are powerless over alcohol, as well as the alcoholic. Yes, it's a "problem", a "malady", a "dilemma".

I also hope that you can find some sort of fellowship, even in a foreign country. I have been to meetings in Italy when I've visited there. I can speak Italian in a rudimentary fashion, and I understood about 75% of what was said. However, the sense of community and fellowship, as well as the universality of the problems, was astounding. It's much more in person than what this online meeting can offer.

Best wishes. Cool

Sister Anne

Thank you for the welcome!

I'll look around the boards, and hope to find help in making sense out of things.

Annie

katanat

I've been reading posts on your online meeting board for awhile now, and I am looking for some help and feedback. My husband has been an alcoholic for many years now, and we are trying to take some more extreme steps to getting help. Over the past year, he has tried therapy and talked about attending meetings, but the commitment hasn't been there and things have been getting worse.

Recently, he's agreed to go to a rehab facility and I am hoping that this willingness lasts until we can get him checked in. Does anyone have any experience with Starlite Recovery in Center Point? I'm sorry if this isn't the right forum, but I don't really know where else to go for help and advice.

I'm also seriously considering attending your meetings in person, but I feel I need to get his help stabilized before doing so. Pray that this happens soon.

Again, any help and advice for someone who is trying to pull her life back together would be appreciated.

walchr

From what you wrote it's clear you and your husband are on the right track. I don't know anything about the rehab center, but I do know for your own peace and serenity, you need to get to a face to face meeting as soon as you can find one. Hopefully there is one near. Then study the materials and work the program, focusing on yourself. As you get into it you'll begin to understand how you need to

katanat

Thank you for your response, and it's been a shaky few days since my last post. I checked my husband into rehab today and the emotions are everywhere. I know I need to attend a meeting now, but I'm not sure how to start. Are the newcomer meetings best? If I can't find one, whats the next best alternative?

bobc · Site Admin

Kat:

There is a meeting schedule on this page, and the link to the newcomer's page tells more about that meeting. Also, here's a meeting schedule for the Austin area. You are almost guaranteed to find some relief at a live meeting. Best wishes. Cool

KathyS

Welcome to Al Anon.

We have a slogan that says 'One day at a time'. The slogans get me through each day. I hope it helps you also.

Stay in touch. You are understood, loved and appreciated.

KathyS

I attended a speaker meeting last night. He is a popular speaker because his father is famous. I am very grateful that he was in Austin when I needed to hear what he had to say. It was a 'God thing'

What he talked about is true for me and it was put in such a way, that I 'get it' now. He is a kind soul that shares freely.

He is an alcoholic who discovered Al Anon in his recovery. There are lots of people who do that. He stated that Alcoholics and Al Anons have a 'deep hole within their soul'. I've never heard it put quite like that way and I felt it. I definitely have one of those.

He talked about the steps and how we tend to 'tweak them to fit our needs'. I have done that and I'm grateful that someone said it so I could identify. I am not perfect.

I have come to understand a lot about this program and have worked it the best way I know how. I am in a depression right now and could not understand why. I understand now.

I don't need to be perfect. I just need to accept myself where I am now. That is hard to do. I will try.

MaryP

Sometimes when I'm focused on understanding myself, I start to slip into that hole in my soul. I start to become it. The understanding only takes me so far, and then the only thing left is acceptance. That, and a commitment to find serenity for myself. Not paradise, not perfection, but serenity.

I can identify with the depression that occurs regardless of my commitment, my work in the program, my faith. Nine times out of ten I believe it stems from an insecurity that I try to cover up, a feeling of weakness that I think others perceive. After awhile, it becomes too much of a struggle, and when I'm sure they see me as the incapable person I believe I am at the time, I either panic and make a scene, or go inward and get depressed.

That's when I seek a respite or sanctuary -- from myself. I look to people who inspire me, who encourage me, who love me despite my own miscalculations about who I am. They say: this is who you are, a shining light that the universe has embraced. Remember that. And I'm grateful, even if I don't totally believe them in the moment. It is like a peaceful pool reflecting the sunset despite the landscape.

karent

I am new to the program and look forward to the opportunity to read and share. I believe you cannot truly understand until you have walked in another person's shoes and, unfortunately, we have all taken this journey. I remember my sister-in-law telling me that she convinced her husband to stop drinking by telling him it was either beer or food; they couldn't afford both. Obviously she wasn't living with the same illness that I was because that certainly didn't work in my home. It took me many years to realize this wasn't a failure on my part.
I visited the Al-Anon site, among others, many years ago while searching for answers in dealng with my husband. I remember reading that I had two choices "live with it, or leave." For many years I chose to live with it and went through all of the sadness, anger, bargaining, loss of intimacy, loss of trust, etc. that goes along with it. About three years ago I began the process of leaving. I say began because my husband and I are still married (although we no longer have a relationship beyond a shared house that he visits on the weekends and common concerns for our children).
While I no longer have many of the emotions that I did in the past, I still deal with ongoing feelings of guilt: guilt about the circumstances that finally prompted me to leave (I fell in love with a co-worker), guilt about leaving a person who has an illness when I promised to be with him for life, and guilt about my three girls (while he may someday not be my husband, he will always be their father). I still can't believe that this is what my life became..........
I'd be interested to know how other's have dealt with this. Thanks for allowing me to share.

Karen

bobc · Site Admin

Karen:

Thanks for visiting, thanks for sharing, and welcome to the website. Many are the ways we have all dealt with the alcoholic situation - probably, ultimately, a single different answer for each one of us.

Like you, I have seen my heart die toward another person due to their refusal to break out of the denial and disease in the situation. I tend to believe that the Human Heart refuses to compress and remain barren. Yes, it's true: we're bound to others in many ways, a lot of them beyond our immediate control. However, what we do with the situation is a different matter. It may take a while for you to gain perspective on the situation.

The fact is that you can have a brighter today, if you want it, "...whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not..." I may not have had control over all that happened to me in the past, but I do have a measure of control over what I do with myself today. The key for me has been in the steps, meetings, and sponsorship.

Best wishes, and please - "keep coming back".

Cool

MaryP

No one can define the parameters of our willingness in relationships but ourselves, each of us. I don't believe there is a right way to "leave" or to "stay," because there is a myriad of options between those two. Finding the one that works best for me and my children and my loved ones, past and present, is an ongoing process. I don't have to, and in fact cannot, figure it all out today. But I believe if I start each day with the serenity prayer, and really focus on the possibilities it brings, I can find the way which is right for me at this time in my life.

I do sometimes experience guilt, but I've found that it does not serve me or anybody I care about well. It comes up, I try to look at it without engaging too much or making some kind of quick decision, and do my best to get on with my life and leave it alone. Life has so much to offer. I have less and less patience for spending my time in the negative space.

My sponsor once asked me to put the questions to myself in this way: What am I willing to do? Not what will I put up with, not what must I do, not even what do I want, but what am I willing to do. For me, that wording makes all the difference.

karent

bobc and MaryP,

Thank you for your replies to my post. There are days when I feel that I've come so far and others where I haven't made a step. But, I know that my recovery will be on ongoing, cyclical process and I need to continue. It's good to hear from people who are continuing to make it through.

Very Happy

Karen