Hilltoppers-AFG Online Meeting

Cliff

For me personally, Step 4 has been like a wall. No, more like a sheer cliff. I can see it, I know I need to get over it, but I can't figure out how. Everything I've tried, every suggestion I've heard, has just degenerated into one frustrating mess after another. My thoughts get confused, my emotions get wrecked, and I eventually get exhausted and walk away, resolving to try again another day.

Then today I found an idea that has helped: Make a simple timeline of your life. On a long piece of paper (I used a three-foot-wide sheet of newsprint), draw a line that represents your life, from birth until today. Mark off sections that represent blocks of years?if you're younger, perhaps every three or four years; if you're older, perhaps every 8 or 10 years.

In the spaces above and below the lines, jot notes to indicate key events in your life. For example, you might start with these (in no particular order):

In other words, anything that's important to you. The chart has become a tool I can use to reflect on the major events in my life, my role in them, and their impact on me. It seems to be giving focus to my work on my fourth step. Instead of rambling journal entries that seem to take me everywhere and nowhere, I have a tool that keeps me aware that it's all about how the pieces fit into one picture?the picture of my life as I have lived it so far.

I'm still using it. In fact, I probably have barely started my work. But this feels like an approach I can stick with, so I thought I would share it here.

bobc · Site Admin

I'm wondering how obvious it becomes that certain parts of our lives need to be worked on, or are being worked on. I recently agreed with another person to do a 4th step around parents and parental issues. We're both ACOA as well as Al-Anon. Question

The day after making the agreement, I started the process, then got sick. It's not unlike some illnesses I had when I was young. I also got into another tiff with my supervisor (a father-figure?). At any rate, the 'wall' scenario mentioned above has become apparent. Shock

I am committed to finishing this 4th step. I'm simply sick and tired of some of these behaviors, and the limitations that are apparent. I'm wondering if I'm not finally getting to the 2nd & 3rd steps in it: believing that something good can occur, and trusting that it will. Whether it's a wall or a sheer cliff, I'm taking the plunge. Very Happy

Hopeful

I too have a journal that seems to go in all directions. My thoughts bounce around at random and never really go anywhere, which is probably because my head is so scrambled.
What a great idea though, I'll definitely try that!
Thank you!

Cliff

I'm still struggling to make progress on step 4, but already I have noticed a couple of important differences now that I'm using a timeline to organize my thoughts.

For one thing, whenever I get back to my step 4 work after a break, I find it easier to pick up where I last left off.

For another, I find it easier to concentrate on one area in a particular session?perhaps a specific time period, perhaps a specific relationship. That helps me make more progress in that one area in less time.

It's helping me make progress. And progress, not perfection, is what it's all about.

walchr

As I begin to work this step I've been hit head-on with the fact that I must face my fears in order to move on. What has affected me most is facing the fear even when I feel completely lost and everything seems so hopeless.

bobc · Site Admin

walchr:

In my experience, several years of more than one program, there are very few who go so far as to admit their truth as deeply and elegantly as you have. I'm convinced that the truth is as you have spoken for all of us: we all, at one time or another, create a lie to hide behind. Ultimately, we must all face the truth. Some choose sooner over later, some don't ever willingly make a choice in favor of "hard bought" integrity. My personal mantra as of late:

KathyS

From experience, also, this is a new beginning for you that you will not regret. My sponsor told me that I would feel like this was the 'end of the world'. It did.

It's not.

I remained still alive with choices and I did it for myself. No one else will see it. It is a personal experience of our common bond. It is a cleansing of the soul. It was letting out what has been holding me back from truly living my life.

The 10th step keeps me going in that direction. I can't tell you how much I've discovered in the 10th step that is much easier as I live my life in this program.

I'm grateful that I cleared out the 'muck' that I could remember so I could 'move on'.

Go get that 4th!

walchr

Just realized when I read this post that it's been six weeks since I started down the path of working Step 4. Don't know if I'm just "slow" or just had so many years to cover, but even six weeks still hasn't gotten to the bottom of the muck.
I can truly say I'm coming out the other side though, and it feels great! I feel like an absolutely different person. My friends, family, and even people I have just recently met are commenting on how good I look--like a butterfly who has come out of a caccoon!
The journey has really only just begun, but now I feel I'm truly on a fascinating adventure to find out who I really am.
Thanks for all your kind words and support everyone! Very Happy

walchr

Well, now it's the end of January and I've made astouding progress on step 4 and am moving onto step 5. Very Happy

Adding it all up this makes about 5 months working out step 4, but every minute has been worth it! Most of all I've had several "healing" talks with my daughters and their husbands and visiting with them now is soooooo different! Just that makes it all worthwhile, but my work relationships have also turned around 100% as well!
All I can say is just keep working the program:

walchr

Can't believe my last post was the end of January. Here I am back at Step 4 again, everytime I think I'm ready to move forward something comes up to show me I have more work to do. I really am stuck. Just re-read what Cliff said to start this and I'm going out to find a LONG roll of paper and see if I can get thru this if I try his approach. The good thing is that there have been tons of breakthrus, but then something else gets revealed. Going to my meeting tonite and getting back on target with the program. Never dreamed "taking care of myself" would be so difficult, but I'm determined to learn how to.

walchr

In 2 days it will be 9 months that I've been "stuck" trying to get thru this Step 4. Anyone has any more suggestions? Seems like I'm about the only one posting on this issue. Wondering if I'm the only one this has happened to, or am I doing something wrong? I'm not looking for perfection anymore, but I would like to feel some progress....this is a long time.
HELP irre

jam

sometimes I view doing a 4th Step like cleaning house--sometimes the first trip through is just picking up the trash; put the newspapers in the recyclable bin, empty the wastebaskets

next trip through the house lets me dust, run the sweeper, sort the laundry... in time I find I want clean closets, a clean garage...

it's the PROCESS that lets it all come together

a wise ol' hen once told me "let time take time"
let the process happen
keep writing
keep praying
you'll get there

jam

besides, where is it suggested that we only do one Fourth Step?!?

elizabeth

Not to cross programs but simply to illustrate a point...
When I first did step 4 in AA it was suggested that rather than let myself get bogged down and follow innumerable side roads, I should stick to the main roads first: that is, I should deal with the one or two things that I would most likely drink over if I didn't get out in the open.
So when I came to Al-Anon I've tried to use the same approach. My 4th step opened up all kinds of side roads that needed to be explored but I knew that if I followed each path at the beginning I'd likely never get done. So I used the "Blueprints for Progress" book as a tool for doing a general 4th step and left it at that... for now. Since completing that process and moving on to steps 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, it's amazing how much more clear the side roads have become and I have a better idea of what I need to tackle next. But the first basic inventory really helped me to see my Al-Anon issues more clearly.
Thanks to all who've shared - it's been good to read other approaches.

bobc · Site Admin

I'm hit with a couple of quotes while reading this post. First from a popular song: "The road goes on forever, and the party never ends"...which I convert to program talk: