Hilltoppers-AFG Online Meeting

Danno

Detachment - Such a big part of our serenity - I was surprised not to find a discussion specifically for this. [Coulda sworn there was one.] No? Now there is ...

Danno

At a 12 Step overnight conference years ago when I first started Al-Anon, the leader (my first sponsor), had us all take part in a simple exercise. It was a demonstration of how detachment worked.

The 'problem' needing detachment from was represented by our hand. The hypothesis was that if were were detached from 'it', we could 'see' more clearly, have a better shot at awareness and take better action. (The acceptance part was not part of the exercise.)

We put our open hand (the 'problem') right on our nose - the nose touching the base of the middle finger, fingers together, palm facing our eyes.
She asked:
Can you count your fingers?
Can you decern the fingerprint ridges?
Can you notice the shading and shadows?
Of course the answers are no.

The we 'detached' from the problem by moving our hand out to arms length.
The same questions could be answered yes.

You -can- get a clearer picture of the 'problem' from a distance.
Life problems are obviously more complex than the exercise but the principle is the same - back away and acheive better odds.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We really can see the situation at hand more clearly from a distance and that distance can also help us 'feel' our way through to a better solution.

And as I look forward to hearing each time it comes up ...
"You can detach with love, or detach it with a hatchet."

We always have choices when we are in our right minds and the squirrel cage isn't spinning wildly.

walchr

Can't believe I never saw this post on Detachment before, and then to find no one has posted since the origial post!
The exercise explained in the post really hit home for me. Until I read this I didn't realize how much I need to detach and view my issues from a distance. I've been trying to work through step 4, and I think not taking a step back has been one of my problems. I've spent mountains of time and effort on looking at all the details and trying to get all the roots of my issues out.
Now I need to take a step back, detach and look at the big picture. Of course, that's easier said than done--but it gives me a whole new perspective.

elizabeth

I struggle constantly with detachment. Just recently I realized how much I still obsess over my qualifier's behavior. He has been sober many years (in fact, I met him in sobriety so have never known him as a drunk) but my own history with an alcoholic mother makes me vigilant and always watching & waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know intellectually what it means to detach - to step back and let his problems and behaviors be his. But when I'm in the midst of things I find it nearly impossible. I'm always worrying about how he will react to a particular person, place, or action, and I have already imagined hundreds of responses and carried out hundreds of dialogues in my head in imagining how I will cope and respond. Only recently have I come to realize how insane this is! And yet I don't know how to stop myself and step back and not be affected by another's behavior.
Guess I'll keep coming back...

walchr

Elizabeth,
For me what has finally moved me into the place of peace and serenity is keeping myself focused on two things:

1-Let go and let God; this means finally accepting that I'm not God. When I focused on that it made a huge difference. I began to catch myself when I was starting the manipulative thinking and stop it at that point, before I acted. I keep telling myself "It's not my problem--It's God's problem what anyone else does.

2-I'm only responsible for my actions When I finally got this deep down in myself it was a very freeing experience. Somehow when I let go of holding myself responsible for any other person's actions, and focused on what I could control--my actions-- my life stopped spinning out of control.

Now that I've been able to turn my thinking around, I feel a true sense of freedom and peace. I'm amazed at how I'm able to step back and let others be responsible for themselves, and not feel that sense of being responsible to "make everything alright"!
All I can say is

elizabeth

Thank you for the encouragement. Your response made me smile - what I call "The Divine Sense of Humor". When I started coming to Al-Anon my favorite slogan became "Let Go and Let God". I realized that during all my years in AA I hadn't absorbed that slogan: what I was really saying in my head was, "Let go... and watch you fall flat on your face because you didn't do it my way". I think I really have reached a "...Let God" place in my life, but I'm always finding new ways to apply it. It is somehow a very peaceful thought to realize that my qualifier's behaviors and reactions are not my problem, nor do I need to think of them as his problems, but rather to say they are God's problems. Somehow that puts the management of them in a whole new dimension.

bobc · Site Admin

The above post about "attaching" to a new perspective hits home with me. I have long since started to see detachment as an active process of letting go of one mental process (or fixation, or expectation) and re-attaching to another. For me, it's about hooking on to some form of the program, and the Slogans are particularly helpful.

I recently heard a metaphor (from one of my Sponsees no less):